Admittedly, I cannot even imagine the thought process by
which Obama cogitates. What was going through his head when he surrounded
himself with some of the families of victims of recent gun violence like the
one in San Bernardino, California? I have tried but failed to get into Obama’s
often mysterious muddled mind to analyze the “Why” in his decision making
rationale. It is a process that evades reason. Well, Ben Crystal can and
did. I will share enough of Crystal’s thoughts, satirical as they may be, to
shed light on the president’s recent mind numbing gun control address to the
nation.
“Last year, 12,421,517 Americans were killed by guns. More than 75 percent of them were adorable little babies with puppies and rainbows. Forty-eight percent were plucky single mothers who work 13 different jobs nine days a week in order to provide for their 11 kids. The other 64 percent were cops. Since I’m pushing gun control, I’m going to mention the latter group, even though my Black Lives Matter friends say all those pigs are racist demons…
Thanks to big, gaping loopholes, it’s too easy to get a gun; 93.4% of all guns used in gun crimes were purchased through loopholes. If an American child can’t open a bottle of aspirin, then there’s no way he should be allowed to go online and buy an auto-fire-o-matic AR-19 that fires 75,000 rounds per nanosecond through its “tactical muzzle breaker” without having to at least get permission from his mommy. And did you know that a convicted serial killer can escape from prison and pick up a free machine gun at the nearest gun show (186 percent of all gun crime is caused by gun shows)? Besides, that many white people in one place is already a bad scene; adding guns to the mix just makes it more likely that no one will be raped, robbed or assaulted…Guns have a magical power that turns ordinary, law-abiding Americans into fire-breathing, gun-toting lunatics. What else could possibly explain that the overwhelming majority of gun crimes happen in such otherwise peaceful utopias like East St. Louis, Detroit and my hometown of Chicago? Of the 30 most violent cities in America, 29 are run by Democrats. Obviously, it must be guns causing all that ugliness and not, say, decades of failed entitlement programs and nanny state-induced malingering…
But every time I ask them to help me help you, stupid Congress brings up the “2nd Amendment” rule. I reread my copy of “Rules for Radicals” and couldn’t find it anywhere. Those guys are total jerks. I mean, what is this "Constitution" thing, anyway...
I can’t help but think what a great idea it was to put an onion in my pocket; these tears are gonna kill with the focus groups! And I’m proud to announce a series of executive orders, which I constitutionally can’t issue, which violate the separation of powers, which violate privacy and due process, and which would have done precisely nothing to prevent the incidents I'm shamelessly exploiting...
And then there are those NRA people. Everyone knows that the NRA is a front for the KKK. Just because none of the crimes I'm pretending to care about today was committed by an NRA member doesn't mean the NRA isn't to blame. And so what if the NRA members are the only people who actually sponsor and teach real firearms safety, as opposed to spreading ignorance and fear? Most of them aren't even democrats, unlike the people who actually commit most crimes...and it will become harder for parents to bequeath their hunting rifles to their kids."
Nothing like a puzzle to set one’s mind ablaze. Have a great weekend.
“Last year, 12,421,517 Americans were killed by guns. More than 75 percent of them were adorable little babies with puppies and rainbows. Forty-eight percent were plucky single mothers who work 13 different jobs nine days a week in order to provide for their 11 kids. The other 64 percent were cops. Since I’m pushing gun control, I’m going to mention the latter group, even though my Black Lives Matter friends say all those pigs are racist demons…
Thanks to big, gaping loopholes, it’s too easy to get a gun; 93.4% of all guns used in gun crimes were purchased through loopholes. If an American child can’t open a bottle of aspirin, then there’s no way he should be allowed to go online and buy an auto-fire-o-matic AR-19 that fires 75,000 rounds per nanosecond through its “tactical muzzle breaker” without having to at least get permission from his mommy. And did you know that a convicted serial killer can escape from prison and pick up a free machine gun at the nearest gun show (186 percent of all gun crime is caused by gun shows)? Besides, that many white people in one place is already a bad scene; adding guns to the mix just makes it more likely that no one will be raped, robbed or assaulted…Guns have a magical power that turns ordinary, law-abiding Americans into fire-breathing, gun-toting lunatics. What else could possibly explain that the overwhelming majority of gun crimes happen in such otherwise peaceful utopias like East St. Louis, Detroit and my hometown of Chicago? Of the 30 most violent cities in America, 29 are run by Democrats. Obviously, it must be guns causing all that ugliness and not, say, decades of failed entitlement programs and nanny state-induced malingering…
But every time I ask them to help me help you, stupid Congress brings up the “2nd Amendment” rule. I reread my copy of “Rules for Radicals” and couldn’t find it anywhere. Those guys are total jerks. I mean, what is this "Constitution" thing, anyway...
I can’t help but think what a great idea it was to put an onion in my pocket; these tears are gonna kill with the focus groups! And I’m proud to announce a series of executive orders, which I constitutionally can’t issue, which violate the separation of powers, which violate privacy and due process, and which would have done precisely nothing to prevent the incidents I'm shamelessly exploiting...
And then there are those NRA people. Everyone knows that the NRA is a front for the KKK. Just because none of the crimes I'm pretending to care about today was committed by an NRA member doesn't mean the NRA isn't to blame. And so what if the NRA members are the only people who actually sponsor and teach real firearms safety, as opposed to spreading ignorance and fear? Most of them aren't even democrats, unlike the people who actually commit most crimes...and it will become harder for parents to bequeath their hunting rifles to their kids."
Nothing like a puzzle to set one’s mind ablaze. Have a great weekend.
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