America is in such
deep “kimchi” that it appears that the only solution to save this great nation
is for me to jump into the election as a write-in candidate. My slogan: “You could do a lot worse.” As
I reluctantly accept the nomination of my new party, which for lack of a better
name I shall label “Why Not Me Party,” it’s important to point out that the
fact that I am a palpably nonpareil candidate in nearly every way to any of
those currently running is not a reflection of my quality or state of being
awe-inspiring. Rather, it is a damning indictment – someone please go explain to FBI
Director James Comey what that word means because I’m not sure he understands –
of our collective decision to forgo actual leadership and instead invest power
in one of four sad sacks who may very well be unfit to serve as POTUS much less "piss in the wind."
First, let’s look at experience. Now, Hillary has a lot of experience. She’s been a failed First Lady. She’s been a failed Senator. She’s been a failed Secretary of State. No, I have none of those experiences. Advantage, me.
I served in the Army from 1965-1995 and graduated from both Army and USMC Command and General Staff College and Attended the Army War College's Defense Strategy Course. Donald Trump learned the art of command watching “the shows.” He also wants to terminate a bunch of sycophantic Flag Officers and bring back those who proved their value in pillaging those we conquered. So we’ll call that a draw. Our Libertarian candidate, Johnson thinks we should never use the military unless one of the original 13 colonies is invaded by an apparition of King George III. He also likes pot, though it’s hard to imagine a chronically high CINC being worse than the one we have now. Now, who is this Dr. Jill Stein again?
Then there is the issue of who understands basic security protocols. I had a security clearance and worked with CLASSIFIED material. So did Hillary. Unfortunately, she worked with classified material using her Prodigy.net account and her Jitterbug phone. I, on the other hand followed Standard Operating Procedures while handling “CLASSIFIED” material. Again advantage, me. Trump is aces on computer security since he apparently doesn’t send emails and only uses them to make tweets. He also demonstrates his mastery of foreign languages in those little 140-character messages. Wait, what? He thinks he’s tweeting in English? Sad! It is said that Gary Johnson made a bong out of his Apple II. Seriously, who is Dr. Jill Stein?
How about honesty? I’m a Retired Army Officer and North Carolina High School teacher, and both Hillary and Trump are demonstrably more corrupt than I am. Let that roll around in your head for a while. From his own mouth we know that Gary Johnson is honest as the day is long. He is a politician is he not? This Dr. Jill Stein isn’t really a thing, is she?
Then there’s ideology. I’m a conservative. Hillary’s a liberal. Donald Trump is a Donald Trump. Gary Johnson is a libertarian who doesn’t believe in liberty except when it involves chemtrails or hemp. And Dr. Jill Stein? Who can say, but it’s going to be some environmental nonsense.
Finally, there’s health. I can totally climb stairs and get into my SUV. My coughing and sneezing bouts are seasonal events and last mere seconds. I don’t have a handler to keep me from wandering off after squirrels. Were the FBI to ask me stuff, I think I’d remember. My liver’s fine. Though ,I did have a knee replacement last week. I guess that makes climbing stairs out. Then there’s poor, sick, tired Hillary. She’s not well. I’m deeply concerned that the rigors of the campaign are taking a toll on her. Maybe she could use a Halls lozenge for that cough. And some sleep. And a juice cleanse. Or an enema.
Trump looks good for a guy his age. I mean, clearly he’s a vital and Atlas strong kind of guy who ingests aphrodisiac intravenously. His raw physical energy is obviously the foundation of his and his wife's relationship. Gary Johnson is in remarkable shape for someone whose lungs have taken such a pounding. Dr. Jill Stein, probably follows some sort of weird diet that involves roots, exotic leaves and twigs. See, you don’t want to go there. When Bill Clinton was president, for all his faults, he had the healthy glow and jaunty demeanor of a man who savored Big Macs. Now he’s on some vegan regimen and he looks like the Crypt keeper’s decaying brother.
In short, objectively, I am a significantly better choice for president than any of these people. Which means that pretty much anyone is a significantly better choice for president than any of these people. When you come right down to it, I am the man who imbibers don’t bother at bars trying to get him to karaoke. As for the other guy (me) – I’m first in line to donate when he runs for Congress – but here’s a newsflash. He’s not going to win. Nor are Johnson or Stein. So it’s either Donald Trump or old, sick Hillary, and it’s never, ever going to be Hillary if I have anything to say about it. That means I have to vote for Trump.
First, let’s look at experience. Now, Hillary has a lot of experience. She’s been a failed First Lady. She’s been a failed Senator. She’s been a failed Secretary of State. No, I have none of those experiences. Advantage, me.
I served in the Army from 1965-1995 and graduated from both Army and USMC Command and General Staff College and Attended the Army War College's Defense Strategy Course. Donald Trump learned the art of command watching “the shows.” He also wants to terminate a bunch of sycophantic Flag Officers and bring back those who proved their value in pillaging those we conquered. So we’ll call that a draw. Our Libertarian candidate, Johnson thinks we should never use the military unless one of the original 13 colonies is invaded by an apparition of King George III. He also likes pot, though it’s hard to imagine a chronically high CINC being worse than the one we have now. Now, who is this Dr. Jill Stein again?
Then there is the issue of who understands basic security protocols. I had a security clearance and worked with CLASSIFIED material. So did Hillary. Unfortunately, she worked with classified material using her Prodigy.net account and her Jitterbug phone. I, on the other hand followed Standard Operating Procedures while handling “CLASSIFIED” material. Again advantage, me. Trump is aces on computer security since he apparently doesn’t send emails and only uses them to make tweets. He also demonstrates his mastery of foreign languages in those little 140-character messages. Wait, what? He thinks he’s tweeting in English? Sad! It is said that Gary Johnson made a bong out of his Apple II. Seriously, who is Dr. Jill Stein?
How about honesty? I’m a Retired Army Officer and North Carolina High School teacher, and both Hillary and Trump are demonstrably more corrupt than I am. Let that roll around in your head for a while. From his own mouth we know that Gary Johnson is honest as the day is long. He is a politician is he not? This Dr. Jill Stein isn’t really a thing, is she?
Then there’s ideology. I’m a conservative. Hillary’s a liberal. Donald Trump is a Donald Trump. Gary Johnson is a libertarian who doesn’t believe in liberty except when it involves chemtrails or hemp. And Dr. Jill Stein? Who can say, but it’s going to be some environmental nonsense.
Finally, there’s health. I can totally climb stairs and get into my SUV. My coughing and sneezing bouts are seasonal events and last mere seconds. I don’t have a handler to keep me from wandering off after squirrels. Were the FBI to ask me stuff, I think I’d remember. My liver’s fine. Though ,I did have a knee replacement last week. I guess that makes climbing stairs out. Then there’s poor, sick, tired Hillary. She’s not well. I’m deeply concerned that the rigors of the campaign are taking a toll on her. Maybe she could use a Halls lozenge for that cough. And some sleep. And a juice cleanse. Or an enema.
Trump looks good for a guy his age. I mean, clearly he’s a vital and Atlas strong kind of guy who ingests aphrodisiac intravenously. His raw physical energy is obviously the foundation of his and his wife's relationship. Gary Johnson is in remarkable shape for someone whose lungs have taken such a pounding. Dr. Jill Stein, probably follows some sort of weird diet that involves roots, exotic leaves and twigs. See, you don’t want to go there. When Bill Clinton was president, for all his faults, he had the healthy glow and jaunty demeanor of a man who savored Big Macs. Now he’s on some vegan regimen and he looks like the Crypt keeper’s decaying brother.
In short, objectively, I am a significantly better choice for president than any of these people. Which means that pretty much anyone is a significantly better choice for president than any of these people. When you come right down to it, I am the man who imbibers don’t bother at bars trying to get him to karaoke. As for the other guy (me) – I’m first in line to donate when he runs for Congress – but here’s a newsflash. He’s not going to win. Nor are Johnson or Stein. So it’s either Donald Trump or old, sick Hillary, and it’s never, ever going to be Hillary if I have anything to say about it. That means I have to vote for Trump.
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